What I’ve found with the state of the union is that it’s a lot like Sriracha–a little bit goes a really really long way. I wish that just once, the president would say something shocking, or even just something new.

It seems like a big game, where the president’s goal is to avoid saying anything of substance lest someone interpret it as an opinion or, more dangerously, a ’stance’. Congress’s goal is to passively stroke their egos by make believing that viewers care whether or not they stand up to clap for the various empty statements made by the president. Lastly, the viewer’s goal is to convince themselves that this is all very meaningful, and that watching a bunch of white people stand up and sit down for about 90 minutes somehow enhances their civic awareness.

I propose that we change the goal: Get it Twisted

But remember how Spain used to own Florida? Well, the two have definitely parted ways. In schools in Spain, the government is distributing leaflets and running an ad campaign to basically teach kids how to rub one out. Sounds pretty great–informative stuff.

But down in Florida, it’s a different story. Teachers there get fired for simply standing in front of the class, approaching the chalkboard, and drawing a map of America with a big throbbing peni..nsula hanging off the southeast corner.

McMinn County deputies found the 31-year-old Decatur man sleeping on his back in a roadside ditch, with a loaded rifle on his chest and an almost empty jar of moonshine in the bib of his overalls. Butler told deputies who woke him up Sunday that he didn’t know where he was. He also told them the jar had been full. Deputies said Butler also had a machete and hand-rolled cigarettes believed to be marijuana.

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A mailman in Boynton Beach, Florida was arrested recently. Turns out he was a little tipsy. As in blowing a .264 tipsy. Like most mail carriers, he had spent the previous night chugging wine under a full moon. But you know mail carriers with their folksy wisdom – pound a helping of mouthwash after a night of drinking and you’ll be delivering letters like gangbusters in no time!  

Crocilla told police he went to work at 11 a.m. and bought mouthwash at a drugstore to mask the smell of alcohol. He said he had drank wine all night and then drank half a bottle of mouthwash to cover it up.

After being found slumped over his steering wheel by police, Postman Crocilla was questioned by police, during which he divulged his ultimate aspiration, one shared by most mail carriers: to deliver mail to everyone in America. Once he realized his mistake, he wisely pretended to be asleep to avoid further questioning about his master plan:

“He stated he was delivering one piece of mail to each person,” Slater said. “He fell asleep during the conversation.”
 

“In a computer-generated virtual reality environment, one group simulated crushing virtual cigarettes, while the other group grasped virtual balls during 4 weekly sessions…at week 12 of the program, the smoking abstinence rate was significantly higher for the cigarette-crushing group (15%) compared to the ball-grasping group (2%).”

So there you have it, from the world of science: Want to quit smoking? Don’t just grab your balls.

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SMOOCH

Depends on how your schnaz finds the mingling of Old Spice body wash, Coors-soaked club sweat and Murray’s Pomade.

[Yelp Conversation]

This is L. Ron Hubbard. Not Paul Haggis.

Hollywood old-schooler Paul Haggis is jumping ship on Scientology, citing numerous legitimate reasons that one shouldn’t be a Scientologist… Perfect timing, too, because WTPWB is looking for a weekend blogger. Paul: you’re hired.