What I’ve found with the state of the union is that it’s a lot like Sriracha–a little bit goes a really really long way. I wish that just once, the president would say something shocking, or even just something new.

It seems like a big game, where the president’s goal is to avoid saying anything of substance lest someone interpret it as an opinion or, more dangerously, a ’stance’. Congress’s goal is to passively stroke their egos by make believing that viewers care whether or not they stand up to clap for the various empty statements made by the president. Lastly, the viewer’s goal is to convince themselves that this is all very meaningful, and that watching a bunch of white people stand up and sit down for about 90 minutes somehow enhances their civic awareness.

I propose that we change the goal: Get it Twisted

Every editorial news outlet seem to conveniently omit themselves from the ‘media’ that is irresponsibly perpetuating her nonsense, thus creating the impression, even in the eyes of her most ardent skeptics, that Sarah Palin is important enough to counter. The cycle for responding to Palin seems to have taken a concrete form:

1. Read the new Palin op-ed/tweet/facebook note/book/etc.

2. Find the sections of the piece where her logical thought process and factual accuracy are at their worst (this is probably the easiest part)

3. Bitch and whine about how her points are factually wrong (obviously), while explaining these fallicies to a group of elite literary folks, deemed such by their willingness to sit through an entire article, paragraph, or sentence. Clearly this is not the demographic that needs converting.

After coming out with her new op-ed this morning, Gawker, the Atlantic, Media Matters, and a host of others have spit out this same formulaic, predictable retort to her inane Bachman-esque psycho-babble.

The weird part is that these pieces tend to take on tones as petty and childlike as Palin’s original argument.  It’s sort of like if a little kid calls you a phooey-head. Your two options are to either explain that they are the one that is a phooey-head, or walk away and ignore them, because they are a little kid. And while it should be shame on Marcus Broccoli and the Washington Post for publishing this in the first place, blame should also be thrown on all these media outlets for making people think that what Sarah Palin says is serious enough to be refuted.

But remember how Spain used to own Florida? Well, the two have definitely parted ways. In schools in Spain, the government is distributing leaflets and running an ad campaign to basically teach kids how to rub one out. Sounds pretty great–informative stuff.

But down in Florida, it’s a different story. Teachers there get fired for simply standing in front of the class, approaching the chalkboard, and drawing a map of America with a big throbbing peni..nsula hanging off the southeast corner.

McMinn County deputies found the 31-year-old Decatur man sleeping on his back in a roadside ditch, with a loaded rifle on his chest and an almost empty jar of moonshine in the bib of his overalls. Butler told deputies who woke him up Sunday that he didn’t know where he was. He also told them the jar had been full. Deputies said Butler also had a machete and hand-rolled cigarettes believed to be marijuana.

[link]

A mailman in Boynton Beach, Florida was arrested recently. Turns out he was a little tipsy. As in blowing a .264 tipsy. Like most mail carriers, he had spent the previous night chugging wine under a full moon. But you know mail carriers with their folksy wisdom – pound a helping of mouthwash after a night of drinking and you’ll be delivering letters like gangbusters in no time!  

Crocilla told police he went to work at 11 a.m. and bought mouthwash at a drugstore to mask the smell of alcohol. He said he had drank wine all night and then drank half a bottle of mouthwash to cover it up.

After being found slumped over his steering wheel by police, Postman Crocilla was questioned by police, during which he divulged his ultimate aspiration, one shared by most mail carriers: to deliver mail to everyone in America. Once he realized his mistake, he wisely pretended to be asleep to avoid further questioning about his master plan:

“He stated he was delivering one piece of mail to each person,” Slater said. “He fell asleep during the conversation.”
 

“In a computer-generated virtual reality environment, one group simulated crushing virtual cigarettes, while the other group grasped virtual balls during 4 weekly sessions…at week 12 of the program, the smoking abstinence rate was significantly higher for the cigarette-crushing group (15%) compared to the ball-grasping group (2%).”

So there you have it, from the world of science: Want to quit smoking? Don’t just grab your balls.

[link]

• Steve Phillips in hot water for Porking a Porker.
• Pay Czar cuts the pork
• Pork in North Carolina is shaped like iconic ‘Winter Celebration’ characters
• Detroit gives a glimpse of what the poors are eating these days
• And in a move that shocked the finance world, dennis smith goes yard with his prediction that pig carcass futures are going to plummet, which we here at WTPWB found particularly odd, given that the cash hog market tends to hold up well. Smith does make some valid points to support his case, especially pointing to the soft tone this week in the ham and loin cut markets. But on the upside, Smith has high hopes for the live cattle market, driven primarily by the big moves in Nebraska.

Zum Beispiel, see here how Michael Steele describes the GOP’s new rebranding, which “will be avant garde, technically. It will come to table with things that will surprise everyone — off the hook.” While highly nuanced, what he is doing here is using terms that will appeal in “urban-suburban hip-hop settings.”

As for the GOP’s new website , it seems that Steele and company have some ‘avant garde’ ideas as to how to run a website. For example, after claiming that the site would reflect “what is going on in the streets,” Steele seemed incredulous when people asked him why it was crashing: “It’s a little thing called traffic??” I mean seriously, have these libtard reporters ever even BEEN in the streets? THEY ARE FULL OF CARS AND TRAFFIC YOU MORONS! Michael Steele is simply helping all the “one armed midgets” confined to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings” understand what is REALLY GOOD in the streets.

Steele also seems to have a tenuous understanding of how websites are created. One would think that if you led an organization that was launching a website, you could probably see it before it went live, with no real loss of integrity. But fuck that. Steele was cranking it out:

Despite the initial problems, Steele remained energetic and excited about the site during the call, explaining that he was awake at 3 a.m. to access the site as soon it launched. “I had a cup of coffee and a Red Bull and I was ready to rock and roll,” the chairman said.

[Article] from Politico

And to carry us out, just one more example of Republicans being really cute with computers:

Tubes

Bessy tells EU riot police in Brussels what’s really good. Picture via Cryptome

In other news:

• Orally Taitz - Just terrifying
• Have you heard about this Glenn Beck guy? He’s pretty mean!
• Helpful! Want to transcribe all your voicemails?

• Fort Pierce woman throws table leg through window, chokes boyfriend when he won’t buy her more Natural Ice beer, police say [link]
• Bag of cocaine ’shot out’ of suspect’s body at St. Lucie County gas station when he relaxed, deputies say [link]
• Martin County homeowner says suspect covered in feces jumped into pool [link]
• Road-rage incident grows into battery, robbery [link]
• Thief yanks off man’s pants in Palm City, takes cash, phone [link]
• Port St. Lucie man arrested on lewdness charge after woman finds him trying to hide under bed of her 15-year-old daughter [link]
• Two Vero Beach residents arrested in St. Lucie incidents involving dead alligator [link]
• Have you seen this boat? Photos released of baby blue 35-foot Renegade stolen from Stuart boat dealer [link]

And this is just from this week. So pack your bags, find a place to stay in Florida, and meet us after the jump for highlights and mugshots.

Let’s obviously start with the one where a bag of cocaine shot out of a man’s anus. From the article:

“Wiley was then escorted to the men’s room for a more detailed search,” the affidavit states. “While being escorted, Wiley dropped his shorts in the middle of the store stating, ‘I don’t have nothing.’ ”Wiley’s backside appeared “clenched tight” as if he was hiding something. While walking, his backside relaxed and a clear bag with about 22 grams of cocaine in it “shot out” onto the store’s floor. “Wiley then kicked back with his foot trying to kick the bag back stating again, ‘I don’t have nothing,’ ” the affidavit states.

The highlight from the article about the woman throwing a table leg through her window is certainly the flowery prose of the officer assigned to the case. After describing Natty Ice as a “an economy brand high-alcohol beer beverage,” the imagery provided by the description of the table leg being hurled really conjures tears: She “threw the hard missile through a window of the residence, causing deadly shards of glass to be forcefully launched into the occupied residence.”

From the article about the dead alligator hullabaloo:

Meanwhile, an FWC official spied a woman at a home in the area pulling pink meat in a clear plastic bag out of a refrigerator. She then put the bag in a cabinet in the kitchen.The 62-year-old woman, identified as Archie Dean Driggers, escorted the FWC official in. Driggers pulled out the bag of meat, and the FWC official noted it “appeared to be fresh alligator meat.”Driggers reportedly said that “we had a gator what else do you want to know.”

This next one we thought was a little too real for the main page, but we’ll treat you for taking the jump with us. In an article  titled Port St. Lucie man accused of inappropriately touching girl, making her cry, while wife accused of child neglect [link], there is an absolute gem of a quote, albeit incredibly disturbing:

The victim told investigators that David Trefz touched her inappropriately at a campsite. He had no pants on at the time. At one point the touching hurt so she began crying, and he said he was sorry.

And not that a lot of color commentary is needed for the one where a man covered in feces jumped into someone’s pool, but just in case:

Deputies used a K-9 to track Higgins to a home in the 9000 block of Athena Street. Higgins told deputies he had been drinking beer and vodka, according to the affidavit.

I just find this collection of crimes to be awe-inspiring, and makes the blotter from brooklynpaper.com look downright tame. Hats off to the people of Florida’s Treasure and Palm coasts. And while you must be thinking that we here at WTPWB are exploiting a financially strapped and downtrodden area for our own enjoyment, NOT TRUE! In more uplifting Treasure Coast news, Michael Jordan is moving in! And now to carry us out to the weekend, I leave you with a bunch of mugshots from the various reports: