This is absolutely incredible. See that bag of money and weapons over on the right there? Now imagine that bag turning up being the tamest crime you encountered in a given week. If you lived somewhere in Florida, where that bag of money turned up this week, that would probably be the case. Through general tooling around on the internet, like ya do, we have come across perhaps the richest bevvy of batshit local news ever discovered in one place. Not surprisingly, it comes to us from the unfortunate state of Florida, specifically the crime section of TCPalm.com, which purports to cover the news of “Florida’s Treasure Coast and Palm Beaches.” People here don’t seem to just commit crimes–they go absolutely buck wild. Here are absolutely real headlines, just from the past week:
Fort Pierce woman throws table leg through window, chokes boyfriend when he won’t buy her more Natural Ice beer, police say [link]
Bag of cocaine ’shot out’ of suspect’s body at St. Lucie County gas station when he relaxed, deputies say [link]
Martin County homeowner says suspect covered in feces jumped into pool [link]
Road-rage incident grows into battery, robbery [link]
Thief yanks off man’s pants in Palm City, takes cash, phone [link]
Port St. Lucie man arrested on lewdness charge after woman finds him trying to hide under bed of her 15-year-old daughter [link]
Two Vero Beach residents arrested in St. Lucie incidents involving dead alligator [link]
Have you seen this boat? Photos released of baby blue 35-foot Renegade stolen from Stuart boat dealer [link]
And this is just from this week. So pack your bags, find a place to stay in Florida, and meet us after the jump for highlights and mugshots.
Let’s obviously start with the one where a bag of cocaine shot out of a man’s anus. From the article:
“Wiley was then escorted to the men’s room for a more detailed search,” the affidavit states. “While being escorted, Wiley dropped his shorts in the middle of the store stating, ‘I don’t have nothing.’ ”Wiley’s backside appeared “clenched tight” as if he was hiding something. While walking, his backside relaxed and a clear bag with about 22 grams of cocaine in it “shot out” onto the store’s floor. “Wiley then kicked back with his foot trying to kick the bag back stating again, ‘I don’t have nothing,’ ” the affidavit states.
The highlight from the article about the woman throwing a table leg through her window is certainly the flowery prose of the officer assigned to the case. After describing Natty Ice as a “an economy brand high-alcohol beer beverage,” the imagery provided by the description of the table leg being hurled really conjures tears: She “threw the hard missile through a window of the residence, causing deadly shards of glass to be forcefully launched into the occupied residence.”
From the article about the dead alligator hullabaloo:
Meanwhile, an FWC official spied a woman at a home in the area pulling pink meat in a clear plastic bag out of a refrigerator. She then put the bag in a cabinet in the kitchen.The 62-year-old woman, identified as Archie Dean Driggers, escorted the FWC official in. Driggers pulled out the bag of meat, and the FWC official noted it “appeared to be fresh alligator meat.”Driggers reportedly said that “we had a gator what else do you want to know.”
This next one we thought was a little too real for the main page, but we’ll treat you for taking the jump with us. In an article titled Port St. Lucie man accused of inappropriately touching girl, making her cry, while wife accused of child neglect [link], there is an absolute gem of a quote, albeit incredibly disturbing:
The victim told investigators that David Trefz touched her inappropriately at a campsite. He had no pants on at the time. At one point the touching hurt so she began crying, and he said he was sorry.
And not that a lot of color commentary is needed for the one where a man covered in feces jumped into someone’s pool, but just in case:
Deputies used a K-9 to track Higgins to a home in the 9000 block of Athena Street. Higgins told deputies he had been drinking beer and vodka, according to the affidavit.
I just find this collection of crimes to be awe-inspiring, and makes the blotter from brooklynpaper.com look downright tame. Hats off to the people of Florida’s Treasure and Palm coasts. And while you must be thinking that we here at WTPWB are exploiting a financially strapped and downtrodden area for our own enjoyment, NOT TRUE! In more uplifting Treasure Coast news, Michael Jordan is moving in! And now to carry us out to the weekend, I leave you with a bunch of mugshots from the various reports:
Absolute Goldmine: WTPWB Exclusive
And this is just from this week. So pack your bags, find a place to stay in Florida, and meet us after the jump for highlights and mugshots.
Let’s obviously start with the one where a bag of cocaine shot out of a man’s anus. From the article:
The highlight from the article about the woman throwing a table leg through her window is certainly the flowery prose of the officer assigned to the case. After describing Natty Ice as a “an economy brand high-alcohol beer beverage,” the imagery provided by the description of the table leg being hurled really conjures tears: She “threw the hard missile through a window of the residence, causing deadly shards of glass to be forcefully launched into the occupied residence.”
From the article about the dead alligator hullabaloo:
This next one we thought was a little too real for the main page, but we’ll treat you for taking the jump with us. In an article titled Port St. Lucie man accused of inappropriately touching girl, making her cry, while wife accused of child neglect [link], there is an absolute gem of a quote, albeit incredibly disturbing:
And not that a lot of color commentary is needed for the one where a man covered in feces jumped into someone’s pool, but just in case:
I just find this collection of crimes to be awe-inspiring, and makes the blotter from brooklynpaper.com look downright tame. Hats off to the people of Florida’s Treasure and Palm coasts. And while you must be thinking that we here at WTPWB are exploiting a financially strapped and downtrodden area for our own enjoyment, NOT TRUE! In more uplifting Treasure Coast news, Michael Jordan is moving in! And now to carry us out to the weekend, I leave you with a bunch of mugshots from the various reports: